Hi, it’s Summer again. I’m here to thank some of the wonderful people who keep our writers paid and our Goonhammer online: our Patrons. You’re fantastic, and you’re the reason my girlfriend’s mom is getting an air fryer this Christmas. So please keep helping us out by supporting our Patreon.
Today, I’d like to introduce someone very special. I suppose. His name is Gregbot.
Gregbot is Goonhammer’s Discord bot and resident crime against humanity. You may have also seen him spinning around while a page loads on Administratum. He is based on Greg, who we affectionately renamed flesh Greg after he was supplanted by that clanking abomination. I haven’t been here long enough to understand why we made an emotionally and linguistically unstable copy of someone who writes Meatwatch and Gundam, and turned it loose on the server. The consensus seems to be that Gregbot was a bad idea, and we have no means of stopping him.
Anyway, I’m in the unenviable position of trying to promote our Patreon and its accompanying Discord access by claiming that Gregbot is a feature.
Gregbot is not a feature.
Gregbot is a blight. He is the erroneous afterbirth of twisted souls who had neither the intelligence to question, nor the decency to halt their dreadful course of action. See, most Discord servers have a useful bot mascot. I’m very fond of the Star Wars: Armada Discord’s Shrimpbot. Shrimpbot is a sweet thing that allows people to reference Armada upgrade cards and objectives with a very simple command. Shrimpbot will also leave a cute little shrimp reaction whenever you mention its namesake. We like Shrimpy. It sits quietly and delivers information when called upon. It sometimes makes mistakes and throws up the wrong card, which results in a chorus of “aww” and some head patting.
Gregbot’s primary command just summons him to say nonsense. In our Discord, you can type !gregbot and he’ll show up and say something inane, indecipherable and/or crude.
When I was new to our Discord, I fell into the trap of thinking that Gregbot could be called upon like Shrimpbot and you could consult him for Warhammer: 40, 000 rules. A useful feature for a site dedicated to 40K analysis! This was a cruel misdirection. Gregbot insults you if you try to ask for rules.
To date, Gregbot’s most useful features have been random generation commands that give bored hobbyists a wealth of interesting conversion ideas. These come courtesy of flesh Greg, who is one of the few people possessed of the appropriate unguents, punch cards, and incantations to interface with the lamentable abomination.
I love Goonhammer. This is not a secret. And I’m not being coerced at gunpoint to make this statement:
“I believe that Gregbot’s behaviours and features conform fully to Goonhammer’s core mission.”
– Summer, on Gregbot
It’s not all bad. Being accosted by Gregbot during a conversation is a rite of passage for new Patrons who join our Discord. People join thinking they’re going to have great conversations with like-minded readers and meet the authors they look up to so much. But the authors are burned out and they end up in a back-and-forth with a Greg-shaped tin-man that is anathema to human life.
You may have seen Gregbot in a few other places on Goonhammer too. He’s the proprietor of our Necromunda Trading Post, and also the misbegotten face of Goonhammer’s official dice. In many ways, this is Goonhammer’s mascot. The Philadelphia Flyers have Gritty, and we have Gregbot. We clearly got the shorter end of the stick, but we also don’t have that kind of budget.
That’s why we need our readers to keep supporting us. You keep our writers paid and our train of quality content chugging. So if you ever want to meet Gregbot, you can join our Patreon at the $5 tier for Discord access. Gregbot usually hangs out in our off-topic channel (which has an unclear and ever-changing name). Of lesser importance, becoming a Patron also means you can chat to many of Goonhammer’s writers directly and come interact with us in all manner of intriguing ways. Our Discord is nothing if not an over-large zoo exhibit. You also get all the other benefits, like not having to see ads and getting access to better features on Administratum.
My personal thanks to our Patrons once more, for essentially paying for this article and allowing me to spread the word of our dreadful mascot.
Have any questions or feedback? Drop us a note in the comments below or email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.